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<This is an incomplete article>

The date today is June 22, 2008 and it is already 12:30am. I have no intention on writing this blog. It just came out of mind and thought of posting so I won’t forget it. This is related to the guy I fell in love with two years ago.

After a not-so-successful relationship with two unbelievers, I promised myself that I will only date Christian guys. When I was still young, I had a few crushes on cute boys on our church. But I know its just infatuation, nothing serious about it.

When college came, I met a guy in a chatroom. I don’t remember whether its me or him who PM, but that’s the start of our friendship. I gave him my number cellphone number and later on m landline. He would call me at night back then and we would talk (mostly him talking). Before, its just purely friendship between us.

Then everything got busy and we cut our communication. He had his OJT and I had mine.

After my resignation from my first job, I was able to resume my communication with him. Since I have no job yet and him still looking also, we were able to communicate again like before. He would call

I remember during the typhoon Milenyo, there was a power loss for almost a week. Since he could call me over the landline, I called him on my cellphone just to ask how he was.  I also remember that I used to ask him, “what is the level of our friendship compare to your barkadas?” (I was just doin some lambing to him, hehe) And he would reply “iba ka eh, parang special bibingka na may itlog na pula ibabaw”. That would make me laugh and I love it when he do that.

After two years of chatting, texting and talking over the phone, I decided to meet him. It was the day of my birthday but I never told him, I want to surprise him.

After that meeting, everything mellowed down between us. He wouldn’t call me.

Honestly, I felt so insecure when that happened. I always thought that that happened because im ugly. If only im pretty, he would still pursue that special thing between us. But I also checked up on myself and realized that I also did change. But not my feelings, I was just scared to show my true feelings for him. I wanted him to initiate it if he feels the same way. So I mellowed down to see what he will do. Maybe I insecured him? Maybe not?

Then last May 26, 2008, i watched Hillsong’s concert when he bumped into me. Well, he saw me walking then he bumped on me, intentionally. Gosh, that very same moment, I wanted to hug him and tell him how much I missed him. But of course, i still can control myself and not show my real feelings. Besides, he was with his brother and friend, that would look awkward if I do that.

Well, whatever happened two years ago, I hope and pray that things will go back to the time when we were so close. I really miss him and I wish things would go back as it was before.

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It’s so fast. I cant believe its already been 6months. My old posts contained the topic about Carlo. Now im talking about Ex. Not because we got into a relationship but because we already parted ways. Reason, I resigned.  But on that 6months, we became good friends. Im happy about that. And on my last day, he told me to add him on his facebook so that we can still communicate. Im glad he approached me on my last day. Im gonna miss him.

I had a dream this morning. It is sad because it is about my dad. Before, every time that i have a dream about him, it excites me because even in dreams, i get to be with him. But this time it’s different. The story goes like this:

It was a busy day. I know for sure my dad is coming to town but i was not able to meet him due to busy schedule. On the next day, i was suppose to meet him already when i heard mom talking on the phone. I overheard her saying, “he had an acccident?” and the words “it’s closed?”. Then she informed me to go to the hospital. I know something happened and i have a feeling its my dad. So i hurriedly went out of the house and run to the streets, wihout knowing which hospital to go to. Then on the highway, i saw a funeral parade. I saw my aunts and cousins. I looked at the coffin and saw my dad lying peacefully. I realized thats what moms talking about. The coffin is already closed. What i did, i removed the cover and cried and cried. I hugged his lifeless body. I know people are looking at me but i dont care. It really was a sad feeling. I felt that even it is just a dream. It felt like he just died recently and not when i was 9years old. Then while i was crying, i really cant stop blaming myself. I told myself that if only i have met him the other day. But i cant accept that it happened. I thought for a moment what is happening to me that time. I realized that no, this is not happening, my dad is not dead now but he already died before, when i was nire. I really cant accept the fact that he died now without me meeting him. I just really cant accept that. Then i woke up with a very sad heart. 😦

I met a guy from work, his name is Carlo.

During my training, i already saw him but we were not personally introduced. I just saw him working while i do my barging to his co-teammate. He was sitting one seat away from me back then. I remembered him because when i saw him, he really is good looking. He is the type of person whom you’ll look back when you passed him while walking. If i remember it correctly, one of the pretty girls in my team barged on him during the training.  Well, i didnt get jealous or something. I thought that they look good together. Pretty girl + pretty boy = perfect couple.

Then after two weeks, we were already assigned to the floor and our area was near that cute guy’s team. I saw him again and i was like “so what?, he’s not my type”. First day passed, second day passed, third day passed, until last Monday. I think that’s the seventh day already. I was seating on my chair and i noticed that he’s on my back but i really didnt pay any attention to him. As i said earlier, he is not my type because he is too good looking.  Before our shift, i always have this chit-chat with my guy seatmate. We talked everything, from our work to personal life just to let time pass. Then this cute guy suddenly interrupted us and said “whats the time of your shift?”. We answered him and then he started talking about his work. He told us that his team is on a training and there were only 5 of them left.  I noticed that this guy already joined me and my friend on our conversation. I also noticed that when this guy is talking, my seatmate would turn away from us and go back to his PC. I was like “oh no, dont leave me with this guy, i’ll melt!” (haha, what a reaction from me) So what i did, everytime my friend would turn away, i made this adlib, “hey, he said this and that!” just to make sure that there are three of us talking. Well i thought its just a friendly conversation (maybe it is until now, im not just really sure what happened back there).

So here’s what happened that confused me, though i think now that i shouldnt be. Well before my exact time shift, this cute guy had his break time. He told me (he’s only talking to me now) some pointers/tips for the work. Then he came near my station and he asked for my name, so i gave mine and he told me his also. His name is Carlo thats why i titled my blog under his name. Then i noticed that he started moving his chair on my right side (my other friend is on my left). There’s no one on my right so its just me and him talking now. I was like “no, dont talk to me, move away!” But he asked is this your first time to do this work, i said yes. And then suddenly he asked this question “so, is your boyfriend also working on the same field?” i replied “no, i dont have a boyfriend”. Then i changed the topic because i dont like where this conversation is going. Fortunately, he never asked something about my personal life anymore. But after that conversation, every time we were not working, he’s always smiling at me, as if we’re close friends already.  Then during his another break, i heard him said “im not going on my break, id rather stay here”. Then i saw him sitting beside me again so i pretended im busy so he’ll get away from me. Since im busy, i didnt noticed that his shift already ended and he already went home. So i was relieved with him gone.

Then here’s the thing. That experience was just nothing for me. It was just a friendly conversation. Maybe he wanted me to be his friend and i would love to be his friend too. But when i was asking for help on our Official Floor Walkers, she told me “im not going to help you because you have a new TL” She is refering to Carlo. i know its a joke and at the same time, she’s teasing me. I told her not to think about that because its nothing. And some of my teammates also noticed what happened and they are teasing me. I know i blushed so i looked away from them.

Right this very moment. i know that’s nothing. Its just a friendly conversation. But i dont know what will happen next. But one thing for sure, i leave everything to God. 😀

I was listening to this song “Lean on Me” by Kirk Franklin. I really love the melody of this song. Every time i hear it, i really felt that I am close to God. I dont really know the lyrics behind that because there are a  lot of singers in the background, i couldnt understand everything. All i know is that there’s a “you can lean on me” on the chorus. But tonight, i decided to search for the lyrics and sing along with the music. As i was reading the lyrics, i got close to crying because i was able to relate the to the song and it reminded that God is always there, he’s always there for us to lean on. Now let me share some of the lyrics where i got teary eyed:

This is for that little child with no father….
And there’s a girl
Searching for a father and a friend
Praying that the storm someday will end
But instead of walking away
Open up your heart and say….

Oh, there’s a child
Who is sick and begging to be free
But there is no cure for his disease
He looks up to his mother and

As she hold
Prayin’ that someday
The sun will shine again
And the pain will end
Pain will end….

I am here
You don’t have to worry
I can see…
….your tears
I’ll be there in a hurry when you call
I’ll be there in a hurry when you call
Friends are there to catch you when you fall
Im your friend and I’ll catch you when, when, when you fall
Here’s my shoulder, you can lean on me

I was so reminded that He is my Father, my Healer, my Friend, my Hope and my God. I thank him because he’s always there, and that i can always lean on his shoulder.

I dont want to post about this but i thought its worth remembering for. Well, the last few days, id been dreaming about my job. Maybe it its because of the stress im experiencing right now. But this time, its quite different. So heres what happened:

During my work, i had to excuse myself from the training because i have to pee. On my way back from the bathroom, someone called my name. I turned my head and saw Reg, he was wearing an orange shirt, as i remember it clearly. I said “oh hi, how are you?” and then he just went unto me, stretched his hand and gave me 100bucks. I asked him whats that for, and he replied “this is what i can give you now, next time, ill give you 1000bucks”. i thought for that moment if he owed me money, then i realized he never ask any from me. While walking, i asked him again whats that for. Then theres a tree on the way, when we passed it, he leaned over to me and whispered, “i love you and thats what im going to give you for your allowance, when we are married already, im going to give you 1000bucks for support” then i woke up!

Gosh, what a dream. It made me smile though i know it wont happen. But who can tell, maybe he is the one God’s going to give to me as my other half, hehe. 🙂

Yesterday, while eating dinner, mom was talking about her visit on my niece. She told me that my niece is a late bloomer and she cant understand instructions easily, and she said that my niece is JUST LIKE ME. What a mom, right?!? Well, the good thing is that im not in the mood to be mad so i just let it pass. But ill tell that i was hurt when she said that, and other members of the family were also there. I was embarrassed but i just let it passed and laughed it off. Thank God for giving me strength. I know mom hurts my feelings for so many time now without her knowing it. But i know that you will never hurt me. Thats the only thing that i hold to.

I was sleeping this morning when i heard someone came into my room. In m subconcious mind, i knew its mom. I knew she walked through my study table because the next thing i heard is her comments about my new ID from work. She said ” Hey, wake up! Oh, you have your new ID. This does not look like you, its looks pretty” Take note, she repeated it twice. Then she stopped talking, i think she noticed im still asleep (though im fully awake). Then i acted that i just woke up. I said in my groggy voice, “What are you saying?”, then she replied, “I said you look pretty in this picture. You look like Rica P.” But i know there’s another meaning behind what she said.

It just hurts me when your very own parents are the ones who makes you feel UGLY in this world. 😦

I had a wonderful yet stressful first day on my training. I was stressed because i gave all my best. I got the highest score on the first written examination. I got 44 out of 50. It should be 45 but i didnt inform my trainor. Well you know, im the shy type, I wouldnt go up front and let the class know my grade. But after that, i had a massive headache, maybe because i think a lot. But thats okay. I thank God for giving me knowledge and im trying to be confident now, especially on my communication. I know God will help me through this because He is the one who gave me this job.

A week before my job hunting, i watched this manga series from youtube entitled “The Wallflower”. Here’s the plot i copied from wiki:

Sunako Nakahara: The female lead, Sunako is often referred to as Ghost girl or Scary girl due to her dark presence. A lover of solitude, gore movies, anatomical dolls and objects that reflect the ugly side of life as she puts it, Sunako has locked herself away in a world of solitude due to a traumatic experience with her first love. She has especially mixed feelings about Kyouhei, and as the storyline progresses, their relationship becomes more solid and intimate.

The Wallflower a girl who was called “ugly” by a boy, the first and only person to whom she confessed her love. This incident sparks a life change, and as a result Sunako shuns all forms of beauty, both in herself as well as in life. Concerned by her change for the worst, Sunako’s aunt, the owner of a beautiful mansion where four very handsome students live, offers the guys free rent in her mansion if they can turn Sunako into a “perfect lady” (referred to in Japan as the titular Yamato Nadeshiko).

While the four of them manage to make Sunako physically beautiful enough to become a lady, the problem lies with her attitude and interests (which Sunako has no intention of changing). Up until the most recent release in the story, they’ve managed to convince Sunako’s aunt that her niece is indeed a lady befitting the mansion in which they live (and prevent the rent from skyrocketing to triple the required amount). However, in reality, Sunako has not changed considerably.

I get to see myself on the personality of Sunako Chan. The only difference is that im not surrounded by four handsome guys and i dont have creepy friends. I definitely recommend this movie to those who thinks they’re ugly but NOT! 😀